Y'know, I'd be lying if I said that this here little flick AQUANOIDS didn't have me intrigued pretty much since day one. That poster art of the deliciously scantily-clad-bikini-top-wearing beauty had been eyeing me up and down like a vicious joke. Sure the film is shot on video and strictly low budget b-movie fare, but it had supremely hot chicks in bikini's gracing the poster art, and let's not forget the AQUANOIDS! (whatever they are). Well, here I stand a bit older and wiser. Having seen the film now, I still don't know what an AQUANOID is, but I sure as hell know who the lovely Laura Nativo is, reeeowwrrrr!
What is an Aquanoid? Search me; I'm still not entirely sure, but this is what I came up with. The Aquanoid is some sort of water-creature that terrorized a small waterfront town in 1987 (that's 'bout it), killing a few of the locals, including a young lady and her best feller during a late night topless swim. Flash-forward 16-years later and while on an afternoon scuba, young and sexilicious Vanessa (Laura Nativo) happens upon one of these so-called Aquanoids. She immediately runs to alert the authorities, including the sheriff, town mayor and a greedy land developer (I'll get to this guy in a second). Of course no one believes poor Vanessa despite her hotness (she could have convinced me that the serum is acquired by putting the penis in my mouth - did I just say that?). Anyway, Vanessa and her hot bikini wearing friend go on an anti-aquanoid/anti-swimming in the water campaign in an attempt to fill vacationers and locals alike in on the impending danger of the dreaded Aquanoids and their apparent thirst for human blood.
OK, so here's the deal. The Mayor and greedy land developer (remember him?) don't want to alarm the locals, it's supposed to be a fun and joyous 4th of July weekend after all (sound familiar?). Plus, there's a deal to open up one of those new fangled shopping malls in the area, and we wouldn't want to spoil that, now would we? So, one by one the locals are turning up dead (did someone say impregnation by an Aquanoid?) and it's a mad rush for Vanessa and her bikini top, errrr I mean harpoon to save the day. Just don't forget to add the expected line up of stereotypical characters to the mix as well. Let's see there's the nosy reporter? Check. Alcoholic who saw the Aquanoid 16-years ago, still no one believes him and everyone constantly laughs him off? Check. Bitchy and spoiled mayor's daughter? Check. I think you get the idea.
OK, let's get the gruesomeness out of the way first. AQUANOIDS is a total rip off of just about every other creature in the water flick you've ever seen, mostly JAWS though, in case you hadn't guessed that already. The dialogue and situations are a whole lotta silly, along with the characters and their motivations. I mean, are we supposed to believe that this town hasn't changed at all in 16-years? The same residents, same mayor, same police force same coroner etc? And the fact that everybody seems to really know these Aquanoids do indeed exist, yet they still blow it off? I mean geez, if 7 people died 16 years ago; something odd must be afoot, right? Besides, Vanessa looks so good in that bikini, how could ANYTHING that girl has to say be anything but the god's honest truth? Shit I'm convinced, it's the Aquanoids, yeah, the sea creatures did it, whatever you say Vanessa!
Still, I must confess that all of this cheesiness is an undeniable part of AQUANOIDS ultimate charm and at the end of the day, I had a pretty decent time with the flick. You don't go in expecting Citizen Kane here folks, you just hope that these filmmakers deliver on their promises. You got yer boobs, gore, women in bikinis, crazy underwater monster, girls in bikini's on scooters, I think you get the picture. It's pure drive-in madness and best of all it's packaged and presented in a mostly attractive manner. There's only a minimal amount of that self-referential SCREAM horror-comedy hybrid crap and then it's back to chicks in bikinis on scooters and another Aquanoid attack.
Most disappointing of all though are the Aquanoids themselves. Luckily, for most of the flick they're hidden behind quick cuts and star wipes, that's the way it should be. It's like my momma always said, if you don't have it, don't flaunt it. Other than that the gore effects are mostly convincing, although a lot of what we're given are after the fact wounds, they're still pretty gruesome. There's also a pretty grotesque autopsy scene that has a great vomit shot as well (I love seeing people vomit in movies). I wouldn't recommend you eat chips and salsa during this scene as I did. The underwater photography is actually pretty cool and an ambitious move on the part of the filmmakers. The island locations add tremendous production value to the flick, more so than if they had shot this on the Jersey shore. Overall AQUANOIDS has a pretty slick appearance, for what it's worth - I dug it.
Look, ya know I'm gonna level with you here. If this sort of thing isn't your bag then there's no amount of convincing that'll get you onboard. If you're looking for a cheapo shot on video b-flick that delivers on its promises, and is quite entertaining to boot then AQUANOIDS is definitely your ticket. It's silly, it's inane, it's got chicks wearing bikinis on scooters (I had to mention the bikinis and scooters one last time!) and a cheesy underwater monster, what the heck are you waiting for?
For more info on AQUANOIDS visit www.cinemacabre.com and for more info on Laura Nativo (hubba, hubba) visit www.lauranativo.com.